Delirium is a Nasty B*tch

Amidst uncertainty and a scary setback, we are playing a waiting game. Still waiting for a diagnosis of the underlying cause, we are now dealing with a bad and scary case of delirium.

Delirium is a Bitch

I was in the hall, ugly crying, when the doctor approached Mommy’s room yesterday morning. I had stepped outside. I could not allow myself to sob hysterically in front of her, even though she wouldn’t have fully processed my meltdown.

Overnight, I witnessed my vibrant and beautiful mother, who last week was full of life and energy, now careening off a cliff at a speed I could not comprehend.

I asked the doctor to tell me whether to call in my family. Was it time to tell Greg that he needs to bring Daddy up to Peoria so he could kiss his beloved wife of 63 years goodbye?

Yes, it seemed that bad.

Your Position Determines Your Perspective

The doctors, both kind and frank, have acknowledged Mommy’s serious condition.

They’re extremely concerned about the underlying cause that brought us here and we are not out of the woods. We wait for an MRI that will look for signs of cancer that may not have appeared on the tests from yesterday.

But their examinations and tests suggest that this rapid decline is a common complication in elderly patients, rather than a sign that we are necessarily dealing with an end-stage illness.

They have explained that the precipitous decompensation is likely the result of a condition called delirium. Upon a very quick examination, it became obvious to the doctor that hyperammonemic encephalopathy was the cause of the rapid decline.

This specific form of delirium, triggered by high ammonia levels in the blood, can wreak havoc on the brain, leading to rapid and severe changes in mental status. Unlike other causes of delirium that might progress more slowly or subtly, hyperammonemic encephalopathy can bring about a swift and dramatic transformation.

Welcome to LaLa Land

A week ago, she was her normal self other than a tummy ache.

Yesterday, she was lucid but loopy - confidently told the doctor that we are in a hotel in New Orleans that looked like a “back street abortion” and she was worried that it was not sterile. I assured her that while I could not be absolutely sure, I was pretty sure that this very Catholic hospital was not performing back street abortions.

Today, she is agitated, afraid and unable to respond to our commands or answer questions. We can’t do the MRI that should provide us with an actual diagnosis because she can’t respond to our questions. Though she looks like she is in distress, the doctors have explained that she’s basically just in a sleep state and it will take time for her to reorient.

Had I not been familiar with delirium, I would still be a hysterical hot mess. But this is not our first delirium rodeo. While there’s no consistent timeline for how long it takes to resolve, it usually does and always has.

And when it does, we will still need to figure out what got us here in the first place.

Celebrating Bonus Days

As I wrote on my father’s 85th birthday (how could that have just been last week), we are all always living on bonus days. But when one has already outlived the 84 year life expectancy for American adults, those bonus days become even more cherished.

I don’t know for how long I will have my parents…but I didn’t know that before this latest situation either. We pray that we have years of bonus days left.

We will most likely go home to my dad and my husband in a few days, as she gets stronger.

Family and friends will come visit us…hopefully many times and for years to come. They will fall in love with Quincy the way we have.

I will most likely sit on my deck with her this spring and teach her how to feed hummingbirds off her fingers. We will watch the eagles and the seagulls fight over the fish in the bay.

But if there is one thing I am good at, it’s living in the moment.

I’ll write later about what that means to me and why I am the way I am, but for now, my greatest strength is what’s called for in a moment like this.